It seems that lately there have been a lot of people (women mainly) trying to get me hooked up with somebody. It amazes me the things they will do or say and the illogic they will go to when setting up a couple is their goal. I'll tell you a few stories that at least I find humorous.

  It all starts with this lady in my church. She's about my mother's age (I'll give the lady 45-55). Anyway, she'd been trying to get me to date her niece. I had never (and still never have) met her neice, so she decided to describe her to me with all the qualities that a respectable young church-going man would seek out in a woman. So we're at church and she's telling me all the wonderful things about her neice. Things like: "she's so nice," "she's so pretty," "she's so smart," and continuing on in that vein until she begins to run out of synonyms. So she finally ends with the best she can come up with; she says, "And she's got really big..." as she prematurely ends this hanging sentence her hands go toward her boobal area and make a cup-like fashion. 
  Holy wow, I was floored. I couldn't believe this lady would do this, especially at church (it just seems wrong.) Although maybe, I should have been quick, like my boy Jason suggested, and said something like, "How about in the sack? Is she a ravenous animal in the sack?"

  Next comes a lady who taught me through many years of my schooling. She also goes to my church, so we won't use names but we'll say she thinks of herself as "Matchmaker Joanernational." She's usually not quite so improper about her expressions regarding the ladies. There's this one girl that she's always thought I should date (for protection of the innocent we'll call her "Ana-sooz.") Anyway, Ana-zoos found herself a boyfriend and the lady from church was bummed and she told me about it. But then her husband (call him...umm...boB) changed to subject. We started talking about one of the Math teachers at UAS, a university that I went to. boB told me that he and the teacher talked about me and my brother. I told boB that I was thinking about getting my PhD in Math and teaching there. Quickly Joanernational piped up and said, "Yeah! You could teach there and find a wife!".
  Yes, I know; "haha,  that's funny." But the scarey thing is that I don't think she was joking, I think she was actually serious, because she added onto the end, "you'll graduate young and so you could find a girl there that's not too young for you." I didn't know what to say...It just seemed so wrong. The idea of saying, "yeah I'll teach at UAS (that's what we're calling the school),  and find me a wife!"

  Now on to the last one. Well call this person (I need to find a new encryption scheme) moM. Her desire to get me a girl is more recent. But no less illogical. She just recently went to Nebraska (I live in TN...that's 15-17 hrs away) with my sister to look at a school. When she was there she called me to let me know she had found the "perfect" girl for me. I forget her name, so we'll call her "Iforgethername." But she told me that "Iforgethername" was such a sweet, nice, and pretty girl.
  Sure it's sweet and all that she wants to find me a girl, but I tried to explain to her that Nebraska is 15-17 HOURS away, a little to far for my tastes. But no, she had expected that. she already had a foolproof response for that one. So here's her response:
"Oh, well next year she's planning on going to school at home instead of Nebraska."
"Fine, where's home."
"Oh, she's from "Iforgetthecity," Maryland."
Ohh, she had me foiled on this one, see it's much better. Instead of the 15 hours I had thought it would be to drive to see my true love, she had cut it down to a measely 12 hours...what logic, what logic.
(p.s. moM if you are reading this, I do love you, I just find this seeking a girlfriend for me silly.)

Anyway, that's the end of my three stories. I hope you find them as interesting/humorous as I found then un comfortable.